


Lost Without You

by dearsirius, Of_stars_and_moon



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Marauders, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Marauders fanfiction, The Prank, Wolfstar fanfiction, wolfstar, wolfstar angst, wolfstar fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-23
Updated: 2019-02-23
Packaged: 2019-11-04 09:14:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17895701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dearsirius/pseuds/dearsirius, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Of_stars_and_moon/pseuds/Of_stars_and_moon
Summary: Since the night Sirius had told Snape about the whomping willow, everyday was hell. Knowing that Remus hated him was tearing his heart apart. Remus was the one who always knew how to make Sirius feel better and now he had lost him.The days used to pass with classes, busying himself with work, isolating himself in a corner of the common room, pretending like he was fine. The nights were spent laying awake, regretting everything, and with "What ifs?" "What if he would have never met Snape that night?", "What if he would have kept his mouth shut?", "What if Snape would have died?", "What if James would have?". Sometimes he would fall into restless sleeps but wake due to nightmares and could never go back to the old comfort of Remus' bed.





	Lost Without You

**Author's Note:**

> This is written in collaboration with @dearsirius. I wrote the beginning and ending part and she wrote the middle.   
> It was so fun to write! Hope you all like it!

"Sirius? Sirius, wake up," James said, shaking Sirius' shoulders.

Sirius opened his eyes. "What is it?" he asked groggily.

"It's almost breakfast time," James whispered, not wanting to wake up Remus, who was asleep besides Sirius.

"Alright," Sirius muttered. He shifted to get up but that made Remus wake up.

"What happened?" he asked, voice hoarse.

"Nothing. We are just going to breakfast. You can go back to sleep. We will bring you something to eat here," Sirius said softly.

"No. I will just go to the infirmary," Remus replied, closing his eyes again.

"What happened? Are you okay?" Sirius asked worriedly.

"I am not feeling good. I may have a fever, i don't know," Remus muttered.

Sirius touched Remus' forehead with his hand. "Re, you're burning," he said, voice full of concern. "Let's take you to the infirmary." He got up.

Remus also sat up, rubbing his eyes. "It's not that bad. Maybe I can attend one or two classes."

"No. You will absolutely not," Sirius declared. "We will take notes for you. You need to rest before the transformation."

Remus sighed defeatedly. "Alright."

Sirius was sitting in the class of History of magic, looking out through the window at the whomping willow. James was taking the notes so Sirius wasn't paying attention. It was very hard to listen to the professor anyway as his mind was racing with thoughts. He had skipped lunch to see Remus in the infirmary and he still couldn't stop thinking about him. He was looking so pale and worn out. Madame Pomfrey had given him some potions to wear off the fever but he hadn't recovered. Sirius hated this, hated to see the boy he loved so much going through hell every month. He sighed, running a hand through his hair. He just hoped that the transformation wouldn't be too bad.

The class ended and the students started walking out of the classroom which stopped his train of thought.

He also got up along with James and Peter, but Professor Binns asked for his help in keeping some books in a cabinet.

He cursed inwardly and turned to James and Peter. "You guys go ahead. I will be there as soon as I finish."

They nodded in agreement and left the classroom.

Sirius finished arranging the books quickly - it definitely wasn’t his best work, but Professor Binns was a ghost, so there was nothing he could really do about it. He left the room with a wave to the teacher and speed walked down the halls.

“Hey, Black!” A voice called from behind, but Sirius didn’t bother to turn around.

“Don’t have time for your shit tonight, Sniv,” Sirius snapped back, not changing his pace as he moved down the hall. All it took was a whispered Impedimenta from Snape, and Sirius had no choice other than to change his pace. “What do you want?”

Snape grabbed Sirius’s shoulder and roughly turned him around to face him, although it was still slow from the previously casted impediment jinx. “I want to know what’s so important that you were running to get to the grounds. You know, you and your friends really don’t ever go outside unless it’s a full moon, and people notice, and they talk.” Snape’s eyes were fiery, like he was on a mission.

Sirius scoffed at him. “When did you start caring about astronomy?”

“That’s not really your business, is it? The point is, I know about Lupin, so there’s no point stalling anymore,” Snape sneered. Sirius rolled his eyes as he felt the jinx beginning to wear off.

“Whatever suspicions you have, I’m not confirming nor denying. You should keep that nose of yours out of our business.” Snape laughed, a fake and ugly laugh.

“Oh, it was confirmed years ago, Black.”

“Is this all you wanted? To know more about my friends and I? Honestly, I think you may have a wee bit of a crush on us,” Sirius sneered, and Snape laughed again.

“You really believe that?" Sirius raised an eyebrow, implying that yes, he did believe it. "I just want to know where Dumbledore is hiding the animal, and I know you know." At this point, Sirius started shaking, out of anger. Anytime he heard someone talking about Remus (or werewolves in general) like that, he wanted nothing more than to hex the person.

Sirius let his eyes flutter shut for a moment as he pushed back his anger. "I don't know what you're talking about. The only animals in this castle are pets."

"Yes, in this castle. There is an animal outside this castle, and if you don't want to tell me where it is, I'll find out myself," Snape decided, and Sirius snorted. "And just so you know, since you're making this difficult for me, I can and will make it difficult for you. Remember when Barty and I caught you and that mudblood in the broom closet?" Snape paused for dramatic effect. "One sentence, and everyone in the school will know, the heir to the House of Black is a shirt lifter."

Sirius almost gasped. If his parents knew... god, he'd be dead. But he wasn't going to give up. "Go ahead, tell whoever you damn well please. And if you do find a werewolf, he'll bite you. And you'll have to go through what werewolves go through every month."

"When I find the monster, I'll report to Dumbledore that its gotten loose. And he'll expell it, and Hogwarts will be rid of all the danger it brings." Snape had everything planned out. Sirius wanted to punch him, but he knew that it would only bring upon more issues.

"You can taunt me all you'd like, but I will not tell you anything," Sirius shot back fiercely. Snape smirked.

"Your stalling only proves to me more that there's a bloodthirsty murderer on this campus." Snape smiled, flashing his crooked yellow teeth - or maybe they were normal, and Sirius was just looking for things wrong with that git.

"Go find it yourself, since you're so determined. The knot on the bottom of the Whomping Willow should take you where you want to go, if the tree doesn't kill you first." Sirius regretted the words instantly.

The last thing he saw was that crooked smile, then everything went dark.

Sirius didn't regain consciousness until hours later. He found himself lying in the hallway, a large bump on the back of his head from the fall.

Then he remembered what he did.

He'd told Remus's secret to Snape, fucking Snape, of all people. And instead of hiding, he went to the common room to face Remus.

When Sirius got to the common room, he saw Remus sitting on one of the couches closest to the fire, his face contorted with anger. Sirius almost backed out, but before he could do anything, Remus was in his face.

“How could you? How fucking could you?” Remus was beyond tears. For the first time in his life, he was genuinely angry. He wanted to break something, anything, throw something at the wall and pick the pieces up to throw them in the fire.

Sirius was frantic, trying to fix things, while also knowing that he didn’t deserve for them to be fixed. “Moony, please, I’ll explain everything!”

Remus whipped around, his hand twitching as though he were about to hit Sirius. Sirius flinched and ducked, but Remus took no notice. “Don’t fucking call me that. I trusted you, Sirius, above everyone else, I trusted you. And you went and told my biggest secret off to Severus, of all people?” Remus was shouting, louder than Sirius’s parents ever had. His voice was going hoarse, cracking and breaking with each syllable.

“Do you know how hard it is for me, every goddamn month, to sit in a tunnel and tear myself apart? And I let you and James and Peter in on my secret, because I trusted you, and I knew you could make it just a little easier. But you don’t seem to really be wanting to make it easier. No, you’re making it a million times harder,” Remus dropped his voice a bit as he spoke. His throat felt like it was on fire.

Sirius shook his head, his eyes filling with tears, and he internally kicked himself because you don’t deserve to cry. You hurt him. You don’t get to cry over your dumb mistake. “I’m so sorry, Remus. I will do anything to earn your trust again, anything. I’m so, so sorry,” Sirius pleaded. Remus scoffed.

"You almost made me a murderer, Sirius. I could've killed both Snape and James, and for what? Because you were bored? Your life wasn't exciting enough? I can't believe you, Sirius," Remus was yelling again, against his own will. His mouth seemed to be moving on its own.

"No, Remus, that's not it. Please, just listen to me." Sirius was desperate to fix this huge mistake, one he wasn't sure they could bounce back from.

“How could you possibly be so selfish? I should’ve known you’d turn out to be just like your family,” Remus spat, disgust coating his words. He regretted saying them almost immediately, when Sirius recoiled as though he’d been hit. Remus didn’t correct himself, though. It wasn’t worth it.

Sirius straightened and nodded, knowing he deserved that.

“If you’ll really do anything, stay away from me. I don’t want to see your face or hear your voice,” Remus said coldly, before pushing past Sirius, stiffly walking up to the dorm.

And Sirius fell to his knees.

The full moon after the incident was really tough on Sirius. He knew that Remus wanted him out of his way, but he also knew that Sirius basically did all the work in keeping Remus from hurting himself too bad. Deciding between making Remus happier and making him hurt less was one of the hardest decisions Sirius had ever had to make.

Sirius ended up going, even though James had told him a million times that it wasn't a good idea. Sirius wouldn't be able to live with himself if he knew Remus had gotten even one scratch that Sirius could have prevented him getting.

James had reluctantly agreed to give Sirius a signal after Remus had transformed completely into Moony, so Sirius could go in unnoticed. Sirius had waited outside the willow, listening to Remus's screams fade into Moony's howls, hating the noise with everything he had. When James gave the signal, Sirius didn't waste any time before going into the tunnel

The moon was... rough, to say the least. Even with Padfoot and Prongs there, Moony had torn himself up, worse than he ever had with the two of them there. What Sirius realized, was that Remus's hurt had bled into Moony's mind, and Moony was letting it all out without Remus's permission.

Only about ten minutes in, Moony had scratched Padfoot's back, really badly. James decided it was enough, and chased the shaking black dog out of the tunnel, even though Sirius was still trying to help. They both transformed back into their human forms, even though James was still planning on going back.

"Go back to the Room of Requirement, Pads. I'll be back as soon as its over, alright?" James said gently. Sirius nodded as James turned him around so his back was to him. "He got you good, didn't he. Episkey." Sirius gasped as he felt the gaping holes in his back closing.

"Don't tell him I was here. Please, James." With that, Sirius turned back to Padfoot, trotting through the damp grass with his head down.

When James got back to the Room of Requirement, it was to see Sirius on the bed, sobbing silently. James ran over, sitting on the bedside, placing his hand on Sirius's shoulder. "Pads?" He whispered. Sirius shot up, his eyes wide, then shook his head.

"Sorry. I..." Sirius went silent, no words left. Everything had already been said.

"It's okay," James reassured gently, before pulling Sirius into a hug, mindful of the still healing injuries on his back. "He's doing much better, you know. And I can tell he misses you, so much. You just have to give him time. Okay?" Sirius nodded, burrying his face into James's shoulder, squeezing him tight.

"Thank you, James," Sirius whispered, his voice barely audible.

"Hey, what are brothers for?"

It had been over two weeks since the last full moon. There were still scars present on Sirius' back, mingled with the scars from his parent's rage. According to James, Remus didn't remember anything about that. Sirius was grateful for that because he knew Remus wouldn't have wanted him to be there.

Since the night Sirius had told Snape about the whomping willow, everyday was hell. Knowing that Remus hated him was tearing his heart apart. Remus was the one who always knew how to make Sirius feel better and now he had lost him.

The days used to pass with classes, busying himself with work, isolating himself in a corner of the common room, pretending like he was fine. The nights were spent laying awake, regretting everything, and with "What ifs?" "What if he would have never met Snape that night?", "What if he would have kept his mouth shut?", "What if Snape would have died?", "What if James would have?". Sometimes he would fall into restless sleeps but wake due to nightmares and could never go back to the old comfort of Remus' bed.

It was almost midnight when Sirius entered the dorm. Remus was the only one in the dorm room as James and Peter were in detention. The sheets were drawn over Remus' head and he was facing the wall.

Sirius walked slowly and sat on the side of Remus' bed. "Moo- Remus, are you asleep?" he whispered.

There was no response so he assumed that Remus was sleeping. He let out a shaky breath. There was so much he wanted to say and as Remus was asleep, he could let everything out. Maybe by doing that, the ache in his heart might subside a little.

"You know, the day I ran away from home," he said, looking out the window. "I had a fight with my mother... I had told her that I hated them and she had said that I may think I am different from them but I am not. I have their blood running in my veins. She called me selfish and said that no matter what I will always be a Black." He let out a hallow laugh. "She was right. No matter how much I try, I can't escape this... darkness inside me." He sniffed, blinking away the tears gathering in his eyes. "But, I- I swear I didn't want to hurt you. I didn't mean for any of this to happen. I don't deserve forgiveness but I am sorry, I am so so sorry." He wiped the tears that were streaming down his face. "You are the best person I've ever met and I.. I don't think I would have the courage to say this if you were awake but.. I fell in love with you, I fell in love with your kindness, with your strength, with your smile, with your laugh, with everything about you. And you were always there for me, after every bad letter, after every nightmare." He took a deep shuddering breath, "And now I've ruined everything... And I don't know how to fix this... I don't know if I can." He couldn't continue. He felt a lump in his throat.

He moved to get up but he was stopped as Remus' hand grabbed his wrist. He turned back to Remus, who was looking up at him, eyes shimmering. Remus sat up, gingerly bringing his other hand up to cup the side of Sirius' face. Sirius had to shut his eyes briefly against the overwhelming feeling of Remus' fingers against his skin. "I thought you were asleep," Sirius muttered.

"You are an idiot," Remus breathed out, a small smile on his lips. He leaned forward and captured Sirius' lips in a soft kiss. Sirius closed his eyes, letting himself drown in the feeling of Remus' lips against his. "I forgive you," Remus murmured against Sirius' lips.

Sirius opened his eyes, staring at Remus. "Really?- But-"

"I was really angry and hurt because of what you did.. But.. I can't hate you, no matter how much I try. I don't think I can ever... I love you Sirius," he said softly.

Sirius leaned his forehead against Remus'. "I love you too, Re."

'And I can't help but stare,  
Cause I see truth somewhere in your eyes.'


End file.
